REALLY WTF!!

So my mother has passed away which i mentioned in my previous post NOT SURE IF I MENTIONED MY FATHER-IN -LAW passed away and my son had his brand new perfect boy JUST TO REMIND ME LIFE IS ABOUT LIVING NOT DYING !! what a special incredible  moment to see my grandson who filled my heart with love in not even one second how blessed we all are how perfect is the cycle of  life its so hard to remember this with so many losses so close together. TO be a NONA is amazing watching my son and his girlfriend even more amazing the togetherness, the laughter ,the pride , the love and their all of twenty two SO PROUD OF THEM AND I KNOW MY BABY WILL HAVE THE BEST PARENTS EVER. Now back to me i watched with stunned silence wondering if even once my husband showed me that much compassion or unconditional love and such pride over his sons this has been a very weird time in my life ive seen my husband who i was assured had no feeling crying like a baby at his dad's funeral don't get me wrong BUT I WANT SOME OF THAT twenty years ive been married and i gave up on ever expecting my husband to be understand or be there when i need him AND I DIDN'T HAVE TO ASK OR TELL HIM HE JUST KNEW (ya right) or do loving thoughtful things THAT WASN'T HIM he provided AND really what right did i have to ask for more then that and now i sit here sad disillusion  why did i expect so little !! can i stay ???IS IT TO LATE TO CHANGE BOTH OF US my heart is breaking i don't want to leave but to stay would be to except mediocre aren't we suppose to be number one in each other's life !!! where did the love go how can it be fixed is this just a bump in the road or is this the real deal. I have reached out many times to my husband and for the sake of everyone else i have settled is that what im going to do again am i going to be your typical fifty year old who leaves because she needs to find herself she needs to be number one !! time will tell so far this fat lady is still singing but my song is getting shorter and shorter :) till next time keep it clean and play SAFE

so you have some mommy issues WHO DOESN'T!!!

well my mommy passed away NOT A SURPRISE SHE'S BEEN KILLING HERSELF FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS but funny never ever ready for it . Ive spent so many years being mad taking care of her worrying about her trying to get help to help herself that i never even really thought what it would really truly be like without her , of course at first it was a relief she had become so emotionally draining the guilt trips made me run for counseling and thank god i was smart enough to do that  years ago , and thank god i did.  i can only imagine what i would be feeling  right now if i hadn't i was so lucky to have found a fantastic lady who told me debbie you love your mom you just can't make her happy it will never be enough THE TRUEST WORDS I EVER HEARD but it was hard never being or doing  enough it was hard watching a person kill herself because she felt unloved when there was so much around her I TRIED CRYING, BEGGING , ANGER NOTHING WORKED this was her story and it was going to be her way but now as the days are slowly but swiftly passing by i remember the love and support and so many good times i wish i could of had keep those a little closer and less bitterness BUT SHOULD OF AND WOULD OF DON'T COUNT FOR SHIT!! I know my mom knows were my angry came from i loved her so much EVER SINCE I WAS A KID THE WORST THING THAT I THOUGHT COULD HAPPEN TO ME JUST DID !!!MY MOM IS GONE for her sake i know it was a blessing for everyone she was a tortured  soul and her time on this life especiaally near the end rarely was there joy.  i will always try to remember the good and most importantly THIS WAS HER STORY THESE WERE HER choices .  i wish her all the love in the world in her next journey and peace and happiness everything she never had in this life time  THIS WILL BE YOUR BEST MOTHER'S DAY IN A LONG TIME  your at peace and the pain and fear are gone love you to the moon and back xoxo

ANGER AND GRIEF!!!

doesn't sound like a very fun subject and WELL ITS NOT  !!! IM SO GLAD NOBODY READS THIS it gives me the freedom to say what im feeling.  OH DID I MENTION MY MOTHER DIED not really a surprise since she's been killing herself slowly for really the last OH I DON'T KNOW LIFE TIME !!! why you ask can't really say she did have a horrible childhood ALCOHOLICS for parents the dad that left you and never really cared im certain there was sexual abuse i can't see how there couldn't of been she was raised in such a unsafe environment so naturally she pick horrible men in her life and her first husband my dad (who i love) but man what a jerk he fooled around every chance he could and then at 49 after i don't know almost thirty years left her for his secretary wow talk about a bad story line but i guess he got his he died at 58 which of course meant my mom had lost the love of her life AND IF YOU DARED MENTION THAT'S NOT REALLY A VERY HEALTY LOVE WELL YOU WERE A SHIT HEAD!! and the next piece of shit well needless to say still trying to get rid of him AHHHHH YES LETS TALK ANGER so mom why did you leave us this one last mess to clean up ??? you leave this dumb fuck nothing!!! WHICH OF COURSE YOU KNOW AFTER 23 YEARS HE'S ENTITLED TO SOMETHING  so let the games begin instead of us finally trying to find peace were still fighting DID I MENTION HOW MAD I AM !! did i mention all the years of embarrassment i suffered because this guy was such a goof!! and now he's the king of the castle GREAT I SAY IF THE LOOSER CAN GET THE MONEY GIVE HIM YOUR TRAILER I WILL NOT FIGHT YOUR FIGHTS ANYMORE !!! i had no relationship with my dad because WELL YOU WERE SO SAD AND HE WAS SO HAPPY  so i was just going to wait until you got happy HMMMM THAT DIDN'T WORK-OUT SO WELL DID IT dad's dead and your still unhappy and getting more unhappy by the day NOW WHAT oh ya now you get lung cancer I WONDER WHAT BROUGHT THAT ON!! but you beat it second chance at life  but OH NO this was the beginning of the end  i wonder what happened that was the turning point for you i can only guess but thats when you brought THE BIGGEST LOOSER BACK so im just guessing you weren't all happy snappy to be alive and scared of dying alone  because nobody would willing bring back such a deceiving person unless you felt that was better then nothing HAVE I MENTIONED THIS IS WHAT MY MOTHER'S MOTHER DID!!! never good enough to be loved didn't  deserve it no matter how many times i tried to talk to you to get help god is good he will help you but you have to help yourself you never would.  this is the sad fact you wanted to die with drama and heart break around you never finding any peace and never leaving your daughters with any peace am i ANGRY yup have been for a long time so many question AND GUESS WHAT IM GOING TO USE THIS BLOG TOOOOO BLOG MYSELF RIGHT THROUGH  MY ANGER AND GRIEF (which i do have moments of it)  and if anyone does read it which i doubt they will see im terrible at punctuation,run on sentences OH YA AND EVEN SPELL CHECK DOESN'T HELP SOMETIMES  so for today i only feel anger MOM YOU WERE SO YOUNG YOU HAD ANOTHER GREAT GRANDCHILD ON THE WAY WHY,WHY.WHY!!  BUT i love you and i miss you and i sure wish you didn't have to leave us so soon and i know all the love and peace you ever looked for is there for you now xoxo

wow ive really done nothing today

so here i sit thinking DAMN LIFE IS GOOD !!!
i've been up since 8 cleaned up the kitchen fed the dog played on the computer eat lunch did some yoga well listening to a spiritual web cast getting connected through vibration VERY COOL oh ya cleaned the house because apparently my kids were coming to visit even tho one had been here all week which means i get to cook,clean and make his lunch so as he can save his living out allowance(and not to buy his mom flowers or anything in the way of thank-you) and the other one and his girlfriend were coming SO I COULD COOK AND CLEAN FOR THEM LUCKY ME and did i mention when the kids are here poor daddy doesn't get any loving SORRY but i've done enough damage to my kids as it is nobody AND I MEAN NOBODY NEEDS TO  listen to ma and pa going at it is just not okay in my books !!!! and im sure anyone out there who has ever had the horrendous experience knows what im talking about YUK,YUK,YUK  soooooo anyway after all is said and done grocery list dinner planned THE LITTLE DARLINGS AREN'T COMING SAY IT AINT SO!!  what will i do with my day OH THAT'S RIGHT NOTHING except im thinking i might give my husband a little loving YOU KNOW BECAUSE I CAN might even run around the house naked BECAUSE I CAN im not sure who ever said empty nest was a sad thing because as much as i love my babies i love them being some what GROWN UP and having time for my number one big baby TIME TO GO GET PRETTY !! xo